I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
