I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize