can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
