Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
