I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
