Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
im having a threesome with these popsicles
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
