So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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