She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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