I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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