you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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