Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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