It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
