I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
