I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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