OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
