K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
