I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
