The maid of honor just puked.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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