is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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