highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
