Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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