you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize