Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
