my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
