I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
