martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
