I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
