Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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