Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
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