It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
