just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
