you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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