There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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