When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
