Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
