No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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