my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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