where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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