Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
