1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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