I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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