Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
