Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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