You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
