I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
