is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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