I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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