So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
