if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
