Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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