She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
