Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
