Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
