i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
