WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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