Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
