I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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